If you are different.....things to ponder

THIS IS NOT A LIST-THE-NEGATIVITY EXERCISE AND THERE ARE A NUMBER OF COUNTER-EXAMPLES BUT THEY ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN. I FIGURED A FAIR NUMBER OF PEOPLE READ MY JOURNAL AND IT MIGHT BE A GOOD PLACE TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT HOW MUCH HATE THERE IS OUT THERE. THIS IS NOT SO MUCH ABOUT SCREWED-UP GENDER ROLES BUT BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Something i have forgotten

Sometimes when we are so tied down in chasing all those expectations that were set upon us by other people we know; regardless whether they play any important role in our life that makes us to forget how we use to laugh till be cringe on the floor holding our stomach with tears flooding in our eyes; or how we use to enjoy catching tadpoles in a puddle during a raining season; sleepover with friends where we stuffed ourselves with food and later in tears watching some love story or even just take a walk at a quiet playground, kicking some stones on the way and just lay down on a slide and watch the ever changing clouds up above. I haven't done all this since i was 15.

Yet, the recent trip i went made me feel what life is all about again. It is no longer meeting up with deadlines, worrying how people think about me, bills, guys and flirts and many more. That one day trip in Cherating was just about me and my life; Not just work and love but all those simple and minor stuff in between that makes life life which i have not pay much attention on, so much so i have almost forget about.

I had a good long walk along the seaside and occasionally picking up seashells which i find rather odd and nice. Memories flooded me; good ones which makes me ocassionally smilling towards the sea and some sad ones which i stare at my feet...leaving footprints behind - its the past but the mark is still there and i hope like those footprints on the warm sand will soon dissappear, washed by the gentle waves.

I got the chance in catching up with my sleep as i slept all the way from KL to Cherating and later on the beach which i found something i like a lot - a hammock. For a long time since i actually hear the wind whispering playfully where they have been, the sun warms my soul which gives me goosebumps and the waves tickling my feet, awakening my senses. This is life. And

now i have made a mental note to get out the hectic life i am going through and escaped back to mother nature's embrace so that she for one day can make me feel safe, warm and no longer living a mechanical life. Just once a month i will make this effort to go back to her so that i know i am breathing and most important, I am at peace.

A good hike :)

Went for a hike with 2 of my friends in FRIMM last saturday. Have missed that place since i last went there 3 years ago when I organised a camp. One thing i must realise is the fact i have been lazy and not been exercising much and therefore the hike really put a toll on me, but compare to my other 2 friends, I don't look too bad :P

Think that God have been really mercifull to us as when we arrived to the hiking site, we could see the sky getting darker and darker as the minute pass and not for long thunder and lightning came along. My friend were dissapointed as we drove all the way there ( he came from ipoh), however we all agree that we give it a try. My friend brought an umbrella along with him leaving me and my other friend dumbfounded. I made a mental note as to not talk to him or show any sign that i know him if there is by chance any strangers bump into us along the hike. Who on earth brings an umbrella while hiking in a forest?! And back to the part where God have been nice to us; it never rain through our 2 hours hike till we went into our car :P

It was a good Saturday. Never had one where i can relax my mind fully for a very long time.

becoming a game to fate.

Something struck my head and got me to think all of the sudden. I am now sitting in my office while the rain drops kamikaze themselves into the thick glass windows, a couple walk pass in a where the guy protectively hugging the girl and shielding her from the torrent while leaving himself wet. Both of them were giggling and the only thin you can see in them is just pure happiness. I wished i was the girl.

Friends asked me all the time,
"why are you still single?"
and normally they will receive the same answer from me over and over again;
"no one wants."

The fact is that not that no one wants me but what i am looking for out there are hard to come by. I want someone that i can grow old with and when i am with him, i am not afraid of anything. i look ok and above average and though i do now have chest and abs to show off but i am confident enough to stroll topless in the open. But many fails to understands me; what i need is love and not sex ( not that i am complaining that i dun like sex)

Manny times while i am starbucks dating with my lap top i would eye at happy couples that sits nearby or walk pass me hungrily. I want to have a life like them. I use to have a life like them but i guess i was young at that time and do not know how to appreciate it. Now i know....

If i could have one more chance, i would hold on to it and never let go......please, i just want to share my life with someone and to have my world with more colours- not just black and white.

Be original

I was reading another person's blog the other day and i find this rather amusing. Its a blog that belong to a person that i use to like.

I remember the time when I was head over heels for him - endless nights where we would chat on the phone talking what we have done throughout the day and practically how we missed each other. At times, he would suprise me bu saying he wrote a song for me and would either sing it or plays the piano for me. Of course there is an exchange of love poem and all. that moment was a memory and sometimes now when I digs out this memory or suddenly it resurface from the deep depth, i would see how silly i was. By the way, we never made it to become a couple.

Now when I saw the few new posts about his newly found bf, i laughed and was shocked and also felt cheated. Mostly felt CHEATED.

He use to tell me, that he only have inspiration to write songs for me; love songs. i was really touched at that time and till now i remember most of the lyrics. Guess what? his new Bf have a few songs too....and mostly it is being modified from the songs that he has wrote for me. Just some changes of a few words from bit here and there. All those lovey dovey saying of how much he loves me are practically repeated to his BF now.

worse....

I wrote him a love letter and I posted it to him. He stole what I wrote to him and rewrite it to his BF in a different manner, but with a first glance, it is obvious that the content is from me. i kind of confronted him and he told me don't know what i mean and he dont care. What kind of shitty attitude is this? I would rather him admitting and i would make a laugh out of it rather than he lying. I despise people who lie. Whats more is that he can't even be original to confess or express his love to his BF.

I have this thought now that if i were to dig out more of his past, i would nt be suprise if i finds out that all those quotes and songs that he have written ar stolen from somewhere.

Sometimes i feel, if you are not good with fancy poetic words yourself, don't steal it from others. You are not telling me how you feel towards me. You are borrowing other people's emotion to use it to represent yours. In the end, it is not your emotion i feel but others. If you can't be flowery in writting or verbally then don't. a simple I LOVE YOU would do cause I or the person you are saying too will feel the sincerity of those 3 powerfull words rather than something that is innitally not from you.

LOVE comes from the heart and not from the works of others.